As I was walking to the store, I realize that once again my greatest wish is being denied. I will never know why God still says wait. Every year a month before my birthday I ask for the same thing and every year it has been the same thing: Wait. Just how long do I have to wait? I began to wonder maybe I have been doing something wrong. This morning I had a dream that we were leaving everything behind except for our pets. We carried Henry and Andy out to the car but when I try to carry this lamb the size of a guinea pig which was named "Poofy" it went poop on my arm. You see, I am trying to break this stupid childhood habit because my sister and I are adults and we need to act like it: We used to play make believe with imaginary animals(One of them happens to be named Poofy). The Lord was saying that when you go, I want you to leave behind that habit of yours. I have been asking the Lord to help me. We have nothing to talk about except sometimes it is about our mom when she is not around or sometimes we talk about what we read in the word. Most often, its nothing and that stupid habit kicks in. We really need to be a part from each other.
One driving force that has really caused me to plead with Daddy upstairs is my mother. I do not know about many of you, but as for my sister and I we have been living with her since we were born. It is not normal for a 40 something years old woman to do that unless she chose to do so. Our circumstances has caused to live in our father's house. I have seen a post several times that I don't like seeing; "We may not be where we want to be but where we are where we should be" or something like that. I think: If only people where know where we are coming from, they would understand. My mother needs help that we can not give her or try to give her. She forgets easily and sometimes does not listen well. My mother has already done all she could and is ready to die in peace. She is not sick. What I am saying is He can take her home once she knows we are on our own and don't need her to provide for us, but as long as she has to provide what she can for us, she is still needed. What we need is a life of our own. I often wonder why too many doors are closed here: I have tried finding unemployment but nothing. I also feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have my BA, but not my credentials. I can't do the fifth year because I can't afford it and have no way of getting there. So I am stuck and only the Lord can unstuck us. Also everywhere I look, I haven't seen a man I am attracted to and more importantly, there seems to be no one(yet) willing to to take us to church. So you see if we are where we should be, things should be happening for us!
One last note and that is this morning, I cried out of the bitterness of my heart. I wonder why my friends can have smartphones, a car, IPODS and other nice things and we are still the same financially as were when my father was a live( Although it would not be possible to have a computer and a cell phone if he was alive) I thought things would improve significantly once all the doubt and unbelief was gone, but only slightly) About 90% of my friends have a family, a car and a church to go to. and about 95% of my friends from High school and college got married before I did. I even wonder if I will ever be found by the right one. I no longer feel young. I will be half way to 90. I feel like an old maid rather than an unclaimed blessing.
This afternoon I asked God to help me make the best of my birthday in spite of how I feel because deep inside, I am longing with great intensity to be where I REALLY should be.
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